They see the ugly thing that is me…she said
Four days until we say adios to 2018 and say aloha to 2019… Is it just me or was 2018 the longest year ever. Anyways, I am not here to discuss your New Year resolutions but I am here to discuss something more personal. I have been sitting on this for a while now.
So for my birthday this year, I gave myself a gift… I finally got my body ink. I’ve always wanted one to be honest, I’ve just been scared…of the pain, but mostly of what my parents will say.
P.S (They still don’t know so maybe let’s keep this between us for now *🤫🤫🤫*).
“Imperfection is Beauty”
I’ve had people asking me, why that specific phrase and most times I just said, well it is cute, and it is truly…but there is more to it than just being cute. So here is my story.
In 2008, I was in 7th grade and like any other primary school kid , I was excited to go to high school, but my excitement was cut short because somehow my parents and I didn’t see eye to eye when it came to me choosing what school to go to…let me fast forward I went to Canisianum Roman Catholic High School. I was disappointed but who was I to argue with them? It’s not like I had much of a choice either way, so I accepted my fate and decided “I got this” …But I didn’t had it( I don’t know if that is English but ow well). Like all other schools, my school had rules but the one that stood out was basically the cutting of hair of both females and males. Don’t start picturing me bald just yet.😪
So I saw the rules and I was like, I don’t know if I want to do that… but as I said I had no choice really… Let me not bore you with the may useless details,let’s fast forward to an event that started it all. So we were a few months in our academic calendar and it was almost time for the annual Miss Canisianum beauty pageant. So these senior girls came to our rooms scouting for models so to say. I remember sitting on my bed right in the corner, doing I don’t know what and so I see these girls entering our room and approaching my roommates with the proposals to take part in the beauty pageant. Some of them even had like 5 to 6 people fighting to organize and sort of guide them if they choose to take part. So I sat there waiting for someone to approach me…You know, probably even made a few sounds just to show that there was a human who needed to be asked sitting right there. I kept waiting, jumped off from my bed a few 3 times and banged my locker a few 10 times but no one made any move towards me…
no one thought to ask the girl in the corner.
I still break down a few times when I remember that day, I don’t know if I will ever get over it completely. So I sat there in my corner, sad and disappointed, I could hear whispers going around the room as the senior girls tried to talk the other girls into joining the show… the one that stood out was:
“You are Beautiful”
So I sat there and thought to myself, Ahaa
so they are only approaching the beautiful girls…
Good to know. I mean who was I to argue with their judgment. That very day laid a thought in me that I was not pretty, I was not beautiful and I could definitely not compare even if I tried. Even if I had volunteered to take part, I would probably end up with no one giving a crap to even help me out. So that was it, I was ugly I told myself and of cause the hair cut wasn’t making it any easier… The most common complement I got when strangers approached me was “You look like a boy”… The kind ones took their time to ask if I was female or male… I mean at least they asked and just didn’t assume right. So throughout high school I had this belief that “I was not beautiful”… I mean my body also wasn’t doing me any justice especially when I wore my school uniform… I opted for pants instead of skirts, my ears are not pierced so you can’t really say she is wearing earrings, she is a girl and well my back and chest are both flat and I have a slender frame…in my uniform pants, even my small hips didn’t show… Sad I know.
The one way that people saw that I was actually a girl was if I smiled… So guess what, I learned to smile every single time…to remind them that I was a she, and not a he…*wink*
You know how every high school person’s dream is to finish high school and go to varsity; mine was a little different…
“I can’t wait to finish high school so I can be beautiful”
That was what kept me going for 5 years. I mean I don’t hate my school, I am thankful; it made me who I am… I just hate that I had to go through that emotional torture all on my own with no one to lean on. No one to actually say, snap out of it. I guess some roses really do grow through concrete after all. And no it wasn’t because I didn’t have anyone, I had great friends, I was just really good at keeping certain emotions in check around them… I mastered my poker face so much that to this day, only a few are able to tell what is really going on with me…when I take my guard down and freely allow myself to express what I feel. Majority still see a happy girl and they ask questions like “Are you always happy”… No I am not always happy,
I guess I just got so used to making sure no one saw my vulnerable side, so much that it became a part of who I am.
Anyways, I survived and I lived to see many beautiful days and slowly I learned to actually see myself for who I was and not for who people saw. But I went through some dramatic phase before I got to where I am today… I gathered all or most of my high school pictures and I took a pair of scissors to relieve my stress…My ID is the one picture I have that I didn’t destroy…I guess I just thought if I didn’t see them, I wouldn’t be reminded of the person I was…the ugly girl who looked nothing like a girl.But I moved past it,
I learned to see myself as nothing but a beautifully flawed being.
I came from a place where my image of me was once detected by the little comments that people made.
I came from a place where I would constantly seek for reassurance that I am beautiful, valued and loved.
At a point I was a constant attention seeker, looking for validation that I am acceptable as I am.
The one thing that I didn’t know then was that your mind will always believe everything you feed it. No one directly came up to me and said Aloisia you are ugly… It was all me.
I took the little things and made a conclusion on my own.
So yes, I slowly moved past my ugly past, I needed something to remind me that it was okay to be flawed and that it was okay that I didn’t look like anyone else. I needed a constant reminder that yes I was made of flaws but they are stitched together with good intentions; and the phrase imperfection is beauty, gave me that justice or assurance.
“Be careful what you say to yourself…you are listening”
I am not saying I am completely over it; I am still getting there… At times I still find myself questioning what I see in the mirror and now and then I still find myself taking offense in pretty much anything someone says…but looking back, I know I’ve come a long way and I see the change. My self confidence has sky rocketed and I am proud of the woman I’ve become. I guess not all insecurities are bad right…yes they break you down but once you are determined to move past them, the burden becomes lighter .
That is the long version…short version is, I really just wanted a tattoo and so I got one😂😂😂
So as we prepare for this coming year lets remind ourselves that everyone is battling their own kind of demons and that you are not alone. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel insecure about certain things…
we are flawed and that is what makes us human.
And finally make it a habit to appreciate yourself for trying. It’s a maize out here…at least you are trying right…
This is my last post for the year…I will talk to you in 2019.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to go through this thing called life…but for now we are taking a break.
Have a blessed 2019